If You Want To Know Why You Drink, Stop Drinking
A therapist once told David Wilson something he's never forgotten. "If you want to know why you drink, stop drinking."
Sit with that for a second. Because it flips the whole thing on its head. We treat the drink like the problem. Turns out the drink was the solution. The problem is whatever you were trying to get away from in the first place.
David, or Sober Dave as a lot of people know him, drank from 14 to 54. He's coming up to eight years without it now. He's not preaching from the mountain top in this episode of Men Behaving Honestly. He's a bloke who used to buy cans from the off-licence on the way home, after only having two in the pub, so nobody could call him an alcoholic. Who'd sit alone with Pink Floyd on repeat and feel the door of his own little world clunk shut, and think, right, reality can do one.
If any of that lands a bit too close, this one's for you.
Addiction isn't the problem. It's the escape
Here's the part most men never get told. The thing you're hooked on is rarely the thing.
Three out of four suicides in this country are still men. A lot of them involve a drink. But Dave, Johnny and James spend this whole episode landing on the same point: alcohol, porn, gambling, the phone, the cocaine, the affair. They're all just costumes. Underneath is the same urge. The need to get away from how you feel.
And it's quieter than you'd think. You're not topping up because life's gone wrong. You're topping up because you're bored, or lonely in a room full of people, or carrying something from years ago you've never said out loud. The drink doesn't fix it. It just turns the volume down for an hour.
The thing is never the thing
Want proof it's not about the booze? Seven years sober, Dave's on a beautiful retreat, sun going down, someone next to him lighting a joint. And for twenty minutes he's sat there going, shall I, shan't I. It wasn't the weed he wanted. It was the escape. The setting had romanticised it, like a French film, and his brain went looking for a way in.
It shows up everywhere once you've stopped the main one. For Dave it was trainers he'd order and never wear.
The Greggs bacon roll when the rules felt too tight. The chase, the looking forward, the little dopamine hit before you've even had the thing. Johnny watched a bloke on a fruit machine lose nearly two hundred quid, then win thirty back and act like he'd won the lottery. That's it in a nutshell. It was never the win. It was the chase.
Connection is the antidote
The opposite of addiction isn't sobriety. It's connection. With other people, and with yourself. The cruel bit is that addiction quietly wants you on your own. Dave called alcohol his mistress, the secret he'd look forward to, hide, then feel ashamed of after.
So when you stop, the void is loud. Really loud. And if you don't put something in it, the only thing you know how to fill it with is the old thing. That's where the real work starts. Not white-knuckling it. Working out what the drink was doing for you, and finding a better way to meet that need.
The bit that matters most
There's a moment in the episode where Johnny asks Dave, simply, "Who is David Wilson?" And he goes quiet. Because for forty years he'd been a label. Glug's the lad in the pub. Sober Dave. Always something to hang on to. Take the labels off and the scary question underneath is, well, who's actually there?
That's the work. Not living a pure life. Just being honest enough to sit in the quiet, feel the uncomfortable stuff, and stop reaching for the nearest exit. Discomfort is guaranteed either way. You can have the short, sharp pain now, or the bigger one later. Find the worthwhile pain.
If you want to know why you reach for it, stop reaching for it. Then listen to what comes up.
You're not broken. You're not the only one. And it gets easier the moment you stop pretending it's fine.
Listen to the full episode on escape and addiction now, wherever you get your podcasts.
Not sure where you're at? Take our free self-assessment check: https://www.menbehavinghonestly.com/free-self-assessment-check
If this stuff is landing, we run live workshops on boundaries, emotions and the patterns that keep men stuck. Limited spaces in September:
If you're struggling with addiction, low mood or suicidal feelings, you're not alone. Samaritans are free, 24/7, on 116 123, or text SHOUT to 85258. For alcohol specifically, Drinkline is free on 0300 123 1110.
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