Suppressed Anger Will Destroy You

James kicked off over a game of pool when he was a kid. Lost the game, lost the plot, took it out on his younger brother. And if you'd asked him back then, he'd have told you he had an anger problem.

He didn't. He had a self-worth problem. The anger was just the bit you could see.

That's the thread running through this episode of Men Behaving Honestly, and it's one most men never get told. We treat anger like the fire. Turns out it's the smoke.

The thing about suppressed anger

Here's the part worth sitting with. Suppressed anger is one of the most dangerous things a man can do to himself.

Bottle it up and it doesn't disappear. It goes one of two ways. Outward, where it builds and builds until someone nicks your parking space and you completely lose it, and it was never really about the space. Or inward, where you turn it on yourself. You stop looking after yourself.

You stop caring how you come across. You withdraw, then decide nobody's around, then decide that must be because you're worthless. That's the road towards depression, and it's quieter and more common than most blokes admit.

Plenty of men look calm. Some of them genuinely are. But a lot of them are just very, very good at suppressing. There's a difference, and your body knows which one you are even when your face doesn't.

Anger isn't the problem. It's the message

James spent years thinking he needed to fix his anger. The breakthrough was realising you can't. Not directly. If you go to war with the anger, you'll be at it forever, because anger isn't the root. It's a response.

Most of the time it's a secondary emotion. Something happens, you feel rejected or not good enough or helpless, and those feelings are horrible, so your brain reaches for anger instead. Anger feels powerful. It feels like you're doing something. It feels a lot better than feeling small.

So the better question isn't "why am I angry". That one just makes you defensive and looking for someone to blame. The question is "what made me feel this way". One puts you on trial. The other actually goes somewhere.

And quick distinction worth keeping: anger is not rage. Anger is shouting at the bloke to get out the way. Rage is moving him. One's an emotion. The other's a choice.

A simple way to handle it

Johnny tells a brilliant story in the episode about taking a client to a park with boxing pads and deliberately winding him up, because the bloke had buried his anger so deep he couldn't even reach it. Worth a listen on its own.

But if you want something you can use the next time you feel yourself going, James lays out four steps.

Notice it.

Catch the signs early. The clenched jaw, the short temper, the stories getting louder in your head. Like a warning light on the dashboard, it's easier to deal with before the tyre's fully flat.

Name it.

Get specific. Not just "I'm angry" but "I'm frustrated", "I'm rushed", "I feel disrespected". You can't manage a fog. You can manage a feeling with a name.

Normalise it.

Nothing's gone wrong with you. People get angry. It's part of being human, and feeling it doesn't make you weak or broken. Give yourself a bit of compassion here.

Navigate it.

Find a healthy way to let it move. Tell your partner you're a bit irritable today and need some space. Have a rant down the phone to a mate. Go to the gym. Sometimes the honest answer is you're tired, you've not eaten, and you need a good night's sleep more than you need a fight.

The bit that matters most

The real work isn't getting rid of anger. It's building the capacity to feel it without it running the show. That takes practice, and practice means getting it wrong sometimes.

It also means owning it with the people closest to you. "I'm sorry, I overreacted, that was me." Especially with your kids. Because if you don't tell them it was your anger, they spend years wondering what they did to cause it.

You're not broken. You're not the only one. And it gets easier the moment you stop pretending you're fine.

Listen to the full episode on anger now, wherever you get your podcasts.

---

Not sure where you're at? Take our free self-assessment check: https://www.menbehavinghonestly.com/free-self-assessment-check

If this stuff is landing, we run live workshops on boundaries, anger and emotions. Limited spaces in September: https://www.menbehavinghonestly.com/workshop-september

If you're struggling with low mood or suicidal feelings, you're not alone. Samaritans are free, 24/7, on 116 123, or text SHOUT to 85258.